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Looking
tanned, fit and healthy for his age, and dressed in a colourful shirt, tan
dungarees and sandals, I spoke to Prof Madasa-Hatta on the veranda of his
home, a rustic, if slightly run down, colonial style villa.
Marlon
Jay:
Morning Professor. May I say what an honour it is for me to finally
meet you.
Professor
Madasa-Hatta: Hmm? Oh, yes, of course. Did you bring the package?
MJ:
No Professor, I’m a journalist. We spoke on the phone yesterday,
remember?
Prof.
M-H: So you’re not from the Church? You didn’t bring me... anything?
MJ:
You mean the Church of Rusted-Visionism? No, sorry prof. But while we’re
on that subject, may I ask: are you still a full member?
Prof
M-H: Hmm? Full member? You obviously don’t know anything about the
effects of the long-term use of seedweed!
MJ:
No, no, Prof! I mean, are you still a member of the Church?
Prof
M-H: Wonderful religion, wonderful church! Would you like to be baptised?
I can organise it, you know! I know people…the high priest’s a personal
friend…you won’t even have to learn more than the Seven Edicts…
MJ:
I’m sure you do, Prof. But no, thank you. I’d appreciate it if you
could give us a personal view of the history of Banana Republic from the
perspective of a non-native who’s been in the fray and close to the
levers of the country’s power, so to speak, for so many years. You
arrived here in ’68 and you’ve never left. Do you think you ever will?
Prof
M-H: ’68? ’68? Oh yes, you mean ’23.
MJ:
No, I mean ’68.
Prof
M-H: Yes, but that’s according to your calendar. The Banana Republicans
have their own, don’tcha know? The year zero was at independence. Very
independent, the Banana Republicans. Don’t accept anything from the
outside world, not even time.
MJ:
But doesn’t that make communication with the outside world extremely
difficult? Trade? Travel?
Prof
M-H: Strange thing. The outside world doesn’t really exist for Banana
Republicans. Unless you mean that Amerus lot, bunch of good-for-nothings.  Except
for providing foreign aid of course. Which they never give without a whole
bunch of provisos. And they’re always meddling, meddling, spying on us;
sticking their noses in where they have no business! After our wealth, of
course!
MJ:
Wealth. Yes. Of course. Must I…
Prof
M-H: Or if you’re referring to our erstwhile colonial masters, the
Switzerfrench, well, what a bunch of soft brained twits! The ruled this
country for almost a hundred years. Bled it dry. And then one morning just
upped and left, like that. Left Banana Republic with what?
MJ:
Roads, bridges, dams, trains, harbours, a telephone system…
Prof
M-H: All second rate stuff. Look at those things today. Most of it has
rusted to bits.
MJ:
May I venture a comment here, Professor? There has been hardly any
investment here in decades. Since independence…
Prof
M-H: Year zero!
MJ:
...the Year zero, if you wish. Surely you can’t still blame your colonial
rulers for that?
Prof
M-H: But we do! They owe us, don’t they! As reparations for a century of
exploitation!
MJ:
One man’s exploitation is another’s benign neglect, isn't it? But
apparently some of them agree with you, seeing they’re always ready with
some foreign aid.
Prof
M-H: And no strings attached either. As it should be!
MJ:
So I gather then that the time you yourself spent there was not pleasant?
 Prof
M-H: After the 5th revolution you mean? When President
Castraight was so ruthlessly overthrown and we all had to go into
exile? On the contrary, Switzerfrance is as good a place to be exiled to
as you could find. Just ask any of the other Bananian
presidents-in-waiting or ex-presidents who’ve had to leave office in a
hurry. Good food; comfortable chateaux… Why, it’s a true home from
home! Very poor quality gat though.
MJ:
Before we go any further Prof, I notice you refer to “us” when
speaking of the Banana Republicans. Does this imply that you have
rescinded your Amerussian citizenship? That you’ll never return?
Prof
M-H: Hmm, it gets into your blood, this place does. The resilience of the
people who, despite the political chaos …
MJ:
Some of which you yourself have been involved in fomenting from time to
time…
Prof
M-H: .. political chaos, seem to survive intact, never despairing. No, I
could never leave.
MJ:
It wouldn’t have anything to do with some outstanding arrest warrants
back in Amerus, would it?
Prof
M-H: Oh, no no no! Those were for the Bay of Horses incident. Ancient
history, I promise you.
MJ:
Or your incurable addiction to seedweed, only available in Banana
Republic?
Prof
M-H: Incurable? Not at all! If you have some on you, give it to me and
I’ll show you just how easily I can take it or leave it.
MJ:
Sorry Professor.
Prof
M-H: Damn!! (Mutters: I hope that package arrives soon…)
MJ:
But we digress. You were talking about Banana Republic’s neighbours
Prof
M-H: I was?
MJ:
Yes. How are relations with Costa Blanca these days? They’ve always been
a friendly
neighbour to Banana Republic, but in light of the aftermath of
recent events…
Prof
M-H: Oh, the hunting incident. Well listen, I don’t for the life of me
see what all the fuss was about, really. That whole damn country is a
nature reserve. An they don’t even have an army, navy OR air force. Best
hunting in the world. Animals are tame as house pets. People too. Best
neighbour you could have.
MJ:
But those were endangered species you were hunting, Prof!
Prof
M-H: Endangered? Endangered?!? Listen, ALL the species in Costa Blanca are
registered as endangered, right?
MJ:
Yeees…?
Prof
M-H: Well then, there you go. If there are so many endangered species,
then there’s no chance of them ALL becoming extinct, is there? So you
hunt a few of ‘em to extinction, so what? There are always lots of other
endangered species left!
MJ:
Umm, yes, an interesting point of view. But after all, your president and
his retinue did return with a whole airplane full of trophies! The wild
groan: now extinct! The lesser mountain elk: now extinct! Ditto the
spotted jungle warbler. This is outrageous!
Prof
M-H: And not a damn thing those Costa Blancans could do about it!
MJ:
Yeees, good neighbours to have, indeed. And what about your other
neighbour, Iraquba?
Prof
M-H: There’s a bad lot! Yes a very bad lot. Always trying to undermine
us, provoke us. Only good thing you can say about them is that the
Amerussians dislike ‘em even more than we do! Always have to watch ‘em
though.
MJ:
Can we…
Prof
M-H: No, no, that’s enough for now. Time for my daily prayers.
MJ:
You mean you need a dose of seedweed?
(Door
slams).
NEXT...
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