Prof M-H: Damn that Sta-Yung! Nothing but a barbarian upstart if you ask me… 

MJ: I do want to ask you now about the current government of Banana Republic. I gather… 

Prof M-H: Lets just get one thing cleared up. This country’s name is not Banana Republic!  The word “Banana” is an acronym of “Botôliná Agraëphba Nidalii Asx’ii Nospêëret Aqtopt’qa”, which means “The People’s Unified Democratic Republic Of The Newly Liberated States” in one of the ancient regional tongues. At independ… I mean in the year zero, it was decided to choose this archaic dialect specifically because no one speaks it anymore, and it would therefore be neutral. The acronym was … unfortunate, and even more so since it stuck.

MJ: I see. That’s the danger with symbols: they can take on a life of their own. I want to ask you now about the current government of Banana Republic. I gather you approve of the president? 

Prof M-H: A sterling man, Sir! Absolutely the best! Marvellous thing that he’s finally in power after so many said he doesn’t have what it takes. They say success is the best revenge …

MJ: Especially if it is accompanied by the mass jailings, torturing and exile of your enemies!

Prof M-H: Be that as it may. We were in exile together, you know, the last time. A man of vision. I helped him collect a substantial amount for the Cause in Switzerfrance. After he took over in the last coup d’etat, he offered me a post in his cabinet but I had to decline, unfortunately. My health, you know. 

MJ: It would seem, however, that he is not without enemies. 

Prof M-H: Oh he has a huge task on his hands, uniting the country. As you know, Banana Republic consists of six provinces. And I’m afraid that there are some elements of opposition in each of them.

MJ: And from outside… 

Prof M-H: Yes, as we are only too aware! In the Northern Mountains, for instance, the rag-tag band of bandits under the … ha! “command” of Nikita Vissarionovich Krudechevski are causing trouble up and down the fertile valleys of the Vulga River. He is rumoured to be recruiting soldiers and buying weapons, and he is paying with all of this with money he gets from selling access to foreign mountain climbers to the peaks in the Homiliana Range, which, as you know, are some of the highest in the world.

Meanwhile, in the province of the Southern Swamps, Jomo Amin is reportedly smuggling guns up the river, arming his rebel army. He’s still weak at the moment but one year from now he may become problem.

MJ: I heard about troubles brewing in the Eastern Rain Forest?

Prof M-H: There ex-president Pol Pot-Rost has also just returned from exile with a whole lot of cash and he is now, believe it or not, building a road through the rain forest! Trying to win support from the public for the next elections.

MJ: Ah, so you foresee that there will be elections sometime in the near future? 

Prof M-H: Of Course! Hasn’t our president promised the nation?!? What kind of country do you think we are? If His Excellency wants to achieve his goal of peace, prosperity and national unity, he must vanquish all his enemies, true, but he must achieve legitimacy in the eyes of the people… 

MJ: And the outside world. 

Prof M-H: …Yes, that too. And that can only happen through the ballot box. Only then can the president achieve his true aim, which is to declare himself PRESIDENT FOR LIFE! If the people were to wish it, of course, but they will, they will! That is why we must have elections. 

MJ: To get back to his opponents. Is Robber Magumbe of the province of the Eastern Plain, the threat that he seems? 

Prof M-H: How can he be? The area has been hit by a series of NATURAL DISASTERS: drought, earthquake, floods. As the local chieftain, Magumbe has his hands full. 

MJ: But NATURAL DISASTERS are unfortunately quite common in Banana Republic. And they’ve never really influenced the political situation here, have they? 

Prof M-H: Wrong, my young friend, so very wrong. Recall the flash floods of ’13 in the province of the Western Desert? 

MJ: Umm, no.. 

Prof M-H: Wel, let me tell you, those floods killed hundreds of Saddam Abu Jihad’s soldiers, possibly costing him dearly the in the following months when he succumbed to various ARMED CHALLENGES. Only now is he recovering military strength. 

And similarly, the tsunami of the following year in the province of the Southern Coast which left thousands of Rubeesh bin Lina's potential voters destitute, possibly costing him the subsequent election. Not to mention the devastating effect of the yellow fever outbreak in the barracks of the presidential guard last year. That was in fact the event that triggered the coup. One can go on and on. 

MJ: Yes, apparently you can, Prof. I thank you but unfortunately we have run out of time. If I hurry I can just catch the last flight before the airport is closed.